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Review: GIRLS, GUNS, AND BLOOD (2019)

Girls, Guns, And Blood desperately wants to be an updated take on Andy Sidaris’ films of the 80s and 90s. And it does have a cast mainly composed of scantily clad women with large breasts and even larger guns. Unlike his films, though, there’s zero talent on display anywhere. The result is a film that makes guns and boobs boring.

What passes for a plot involves Monique (Rebecca Love, The Hills Have Thighs, Diary of a MILF 5) and her girls Angel (Cody Renee Cameron, Devil’s Junction: Handy Dandy’s Revenge, Corona Zombies), Kitty (Christine Nguyen, Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre, Blood Covered Chocolate), Trix (Britney Amber, Bubble Butt Anal Slut 2, The Arrangement) and Berretta (Kleio Valentien, Booty Thirst Trap). They’re expecting a truckload of big spenders. Ones who are going to drop enough cash that they’ll be able to shut down the brothel for a month and go to Oklahoma.

Girls, Guns And Blood Poster

Instead, they’re drugged and robbed. Monique and their bouncer Thumper (Chaz Taylor) end up dead. But worst of all, they’ve been robbed and can’t go to Oklahoma. So after a cleavage and smiles selfie with Monique’s body, they load up for revenge. It takes 40 of Girls, Guns And Blood’s 75 minutes to get that far. And it doesn’t get any better from there.

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Sidaris’s films may have been low budget. But they had enough budget to shoot in exotic locations, have cool props and blow things up. More importantly, no matter how silly the plot might have been, the script and cast played it straight. Girls, Guns, And Blood substitutes bad jokes for production values. And on the rare occasion that they do find something funny, such as using the “bionic” sound effect from The Six Million Dollar Man, they run it into the ground.

There are a couple of halfway decent fight scenes. But Girls, Guns And Blood is the kind of film where scrawny women with no muscle tone can trade punches with large muscular men. And bullets cause CGI blood to splatter, but don’t leave entry or exit wounds half the time. It fails on even that basic of a level.

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In a genre as crowded as this is, there’s no reason to waste time and money on something like Girls, Guns, And Blood. It’s available on multiple streaming platforms. You can find out more on its Facebook page, but why bother? I’m going to watch Hard Ticket To Hawaii and Nude Nuns With Big Guns. I need to clear my mind of this abomination.

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