Kelly Jo (Jamie Morgan, Frozen Sasquatch, House Shark) and her kids have moved to Amityville. Right across the street from a house that looks kind of like the Lutz’s house. Well, it has smaller versions of those weird windows. That counts right?
Anyway, she gets a box of stuff from the woman who lives there. She promptly kills herself and shortly thereafter Kelly Jo is butchering her offspring. All off-screen because this is Amityville Island, the new film from Mark Polonia (Amityville Exorcism, Jurassic Prey).
With the kind of logic we expect from Mark’s films Kelly Jo and Renata (Danielle Donahue, Muckman) get transferred to an island prison complete with, human experimentation, deadly animals and zombies. Now since the demon that made her kill her kids is still possessing her things are really about to get wild. Or at least marginally less tame.
Despite the poster, Amityville Island gives us about 30 seconds of horribly animated shark footage. And that is marginally better than the zombie with the end of its mask in clear sight over its jacket. There’s also animated footage of the research lab and some seagulls. And when I say animated I don’t mean CGI, I mean South Park-style animation. And as bad as it sounds, it’s still funnier than it actually is.
Most of Amityville Island is people talking and/or staring at their computer monitors. Occasionally the demon manifests itself through monitors to kill or possess people. Like E-Demon, only duller. And just to make sure we get enough talk there’s a subplot about Eric Cates (Titus Himmelberger) a reporter who does all his work by phone. Usually while sitting at a table drinking.
To break up the chatter we get animal attacks that are obviously actors holding stuffed animals. Stock footage from Polonia’s Deadly Playthings to represent a haunted house. And the lamest plan in recent history to create a master race.
Obviously shot by the shore of a lake, not an ocean where you might actually find a shark, with mismatched stock footage of the ocean spliced in, Amityville Island is a train wreck. With its ridiculous plot and dialogue, it has to be a failed attempt at ironic humour. So that’s something you can say about Mark Polonia. Unlike Rene Perez (Cabal, Death Kiss) at least he doesn’t take himself seriously.
Amityville Island is available from Wild Eye Releasing. You can check their Facebook page for more details.