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Meteor Moon (2020) Review

The Asylum seems to love films where some passing asteroid wipes out the Earth. They’ve already given us Asteroid-A-Geddon and Collision Earth. So for Meteor Moon, their third film on the subject, for 2020 they changed things up a bit. Rather than hitting Earth, the asteroid hits the moon and pushes it into the Earth’s path. When it reaches our atmosphere, the friction will superheat the air and incinerate everything on the planet. That will happen in three hours.

Jim Lawson (Michael Broderick, Who Wants Me Dead?) predicted it, but predictably nobody listened. Now his brother Paul (Chris Boudreaux, Steam Room Stories: The Movie!) is rushing him to a nearby base. It seems there’s a ship in orbit that uses “a special kind of fuel called antimatter”. And it could be used to create an artificial black hole which would pull the moon back into its orbit. First, though, they need to get Jim into orbit to do it.

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But when the magnetic effects of the moon’s approach knocks their chopper out of the sky, it becomes a race against time to reach the base, let alone the ship.

Now, the last time I remember a ship creating its own black hole was Event Horizon, and that didn’t end well for anyone involved. Meteor Moon is actually worse, instead of being dragged into hell, you’re forced to watch yet another shitshow from The Asylum. One so bad they snuck it out in the middle of the holidays when nobody would notice.

How bad is Meteor Moon? Well, as the Lawson’s chopper is going down, Camp Pendleton is destroyed by a massive earthquake. At least that’s what we’re told by one of the survivors, Pvt. Malcolm (Adam Hollick, Adventures of Aladdin) who is radioing for help from a forest that doesn’t have so much as downed tree branches. Pvt. Malcolm by the way just happens to have been traveling with Jim’s wife Stacy (Emily Killian, Blood Runs Thick, Apocalypse of Ice), what a coincidence.

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Speaking of coincidences, Jim and Paul come down near a buddy’s garage. One with a nitrous injected Mustang ready to go. By this point, they’re running so close to schedule they have to drive right into the shuttle’s bay with it. Which is a good thing because they’ll need the Mustang to double as a spacecraft later. Seriously.

If you get the idea this is absolutely insane, you’re right. First time director Brian Nowak (Megalodon Rising) seems to be content to just aim the camera and let the cast yell a lot. The script by Joe Roche (Collision Earth) has dialogue that’s half techno-babble and half hysterics, Nowak must have thought it sounded more dramatic that way. About the only one who doesn’t yell is our token name actress Dominique Swain (Skin Traffik, Rottentail). As Colonel Hauser, she stands in the same spot and stares at a screen a lot.

The effects are the substandard CGI we’ve come to expect from The Asylum. I will say in their defence that it isn’t as bad as the CGI in Asphalt Burning, although a couple of scenes, like the Mustang leaping a chasm that opens up in front of it, come close.

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The worst thing is, despite the extreme race against time and all the obstacles thrown in our heroes’ way, there’s never any sense of danger or urgency. Meteor Moon is totally devoid of suspense or tension. It’s just one ridiculous close call after another, like the space centre suddenly turning into an active volcano. 

I’ve never been a fan of The Asylum, but it seems in the last year or so their output has gotten noticeably worse. Their stable of directors and cast have been replaced by first-timer helmers and actors whose credits are heavy on roles like Cashier (uncredited) and 3rd Corpse on the Right. The disasters like Meteor Moon and Clown are getting more frequent, while the occasional good films such as Triassic World and Monster Hunters grow even more scarce.

Meteor Moon is available to stream. You might find details on The Asylum’s website or Facebook page, but so far they don’t seem to want to even mention this film. Which should tell you all you need to know right there.

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