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Noah’s Shark (2021) Review

When you’ve already made Shark Encounters of the Third Kind and Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse you need a follow-up of biblical proportions. So, after consulting the scriptures and getting a bit of divine inspiration, director Mark Polonia (Dune World) and writer John Oak Dalton (Scarecrow County) delivered Noah’s Shark unto us. Is this the righteous piece of sharksploitation that was prophesied? And if it is, are we worthy to receive it?

Father Benna (Jeff Kirkendall, ZillaFoot, Frozen Sasquatch) is in a bit of trouble. It seems his unorthodox methods of conducting exorcisms, such as spanking demons out of possessed teenage girls, have been exposed. Or maybe he’s been set up by someone, or something, of a most unholy nature. Either way, he needs a miracle to save his reputation. And his show.

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Fortunately, Buster Pretorius (Ryan Dalton, Children of Camp Blood) is mounting an expedition to find Noah’s Ark. It seems he’s come into possession of The Book of the Witch of Endor, telling the real story of the flood, including that of Noah’s son Zadkiel (Kevin Coolidge, Bride of the Werewolf) who made a deal with a demonic shark.

Noah’s Shark is certainly one of Polonia’s more creative efforts. Dalton’s script not only rewrites the Bible but works New York’s Hinsdale House, the subject of the fictional film Hinsdale House and the allegedly true The Witch of Hinsdale, into the film as well. And adds plenty of digs at organized religion in general and televangelists in particular. It all makes for an enjoyably silly plot even before Benna and Pretorius along with cameraman Alan (Mark Polonia) and female mercenary Gina (Jamie Morgan, Return to Splatter Farm) head to Mount Ararat, which looks a lot like Pennsylvania, to find the Ark.

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Noah’s Shark has the usual amount of footage of the characters wandering around in the woods. But this time their dialogue is entertaining, which makes a big difference. You know you’re going to get this in a microbudget film, just as the filmmakers know they’ll have to include it. There’s no reason they can’t put in the effort to make it as interesting as possible.

Of course, since Noah’s Shark is a Mark Polonia film you know the effects are not going to be up to the challenge of actually showing us any of this. And right from the opening scenes of a laughable CGI ark, they live down to expectations. It’s not Amityville Island bad, but the CGI is all cartoonish looking. The inside and close-up exteriors of the Ark look like someone’s barn, and when we see it sitting on the mountain, its surroundings look nothing like what the characters have been hiking through. In other words, typical Polonia effects.

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Noah’s Shark isn’t that much different from many of Polonia’s other films in its basic structure. Small cast, bad/cheesy effects, lots of walking around locations that look nothing like where the film is set, etc. The difference is this time enough effort was put into the script and shooting to make it fun. If Polonia and Dalton would do this more often, the world of microbudget film would be a lot more fun.

Because for all that I trash most of his films, Mark Polonia does get it right occasionally, and Noah’s Shark is definitely one of those times. John Oak Dalton gave him a solid microbudget script, and he ran with it. It’s the kind of he should be making more often, instead of the utter crap he more frequently grinds out.

Noah’s Shark is available on Digital from Wild Eye Releasing. You can check the production company’s Facebook page for more information.

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