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Alien Shark (2022) Review

Alien Shark opens with a badly animated CGI meteor heading for Earth. We don’t see it enter the atmosphere or anything, but it must have made it through because a couple of women jogging on the beach find some pieces of glowing space rock. One of them is dumb enough to pick a chunk up and goes wandering into the surf, her concerned friend following her, until both suddenly drop out of the frame in ankle deep water.

I should have stopped watching then, but I’m stubborn, unfortunately this time I was too stubborn for my own good.

Aleesha (Brittany Altenbach, Fatal Witness, Broken Seeds) is about to go through Ranger training, so what are her plans for the fours days before it starts. Rest up, make sure she’s ready for the challenge? Hell no, she’s got four days leave, and she’s going to party with her friends Meghan (Brittany Salsman), Jessica (Bridget Nicole Andrews, Night Teeth, Bill & Ted Face the Music) and Debbie (Jessica Claire Crosby, Lactose and Tolerant, Rancor).

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Unbeknownst to the others, Debbie has also invited her ex Pete (Lukas Silva, Carp-e Diem, No Virtue) and his buddy Nate (Austin Nix, Romeo + Isabella, Romeo + Isabella) to what was supposed to be a girl’s outing. Aleesha is especially unhappy, having crossed paths with them on her way to the beach house. Of course, that means she and Pete almost instantly fall for each other.

They’re not the only unexpected visitors she’ll have to deal with, though. A picture of a spacecraft is currently hovering over a picture of the Earth, using a green ray to possess a bad rendered CGI shark, effectively turning it into an alien shark.

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I really don’t know where to begin talking about Alien Shark, mostly because almost nothing happens for most of its running time, nothing that involves a shark that is. Ninety percent of the film consists of them sitting around drinking and delivering lines like “I’m tired of being passed around like a tray of Jello shots at a basement rave.”

Occasionally they wander around the beach and the ladies do their best not to fall out of their tops. If there had been enough in the budget for that to happen, the film would have doubled its entertainment quotient instead, like the promise of an extraterrestrial shark, it’s all tease. What we get are scenes like a fisherman seeing a fin in the water and his eyes turning green before he walks off the end of the pier. That’s it, not even any CGI blood.

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I think director Paul Tomborello (Billie the Kid, Rumors of Wars) and writer Aaron Jackson (Lumen: Lights and Sounds, Expulsion) may have been trying for humour at least some of the time, like with Mickey (Rudon Brannon, Worth Fighting For, Army of One) who wanders around the beach dressed for winter, talks like he has severe brain damage, and claims to have been abducted by the aliens. Or the scene where the shark swims up on the beach and spits out an alien shark dog.

Unfortunately, Alien Shark works about as well as a comedy as it does as a serious science fiction/horror film. And by the time the now invisible shark comes flying after Aleesha I just wanted it to be over. How bad is it? I feel like I owe Mark Polonia an apology for what I’ve said about Noah’s Shark, Shark Encounters of the Third Kind or even Amityville Island, compared to this they’re classics. Cocaine Shark, on the other hand, is a fitting comparison for this mess.

Alien Shark was released fittingly enough as a “Walmart Exclusive” DVD and is available on various streaming platforms, including Tubi. But even for free, it’s overpriced.

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